Flirting Tips Assessment: What works, will work, won't work. Vol I

Believe it or not, dates don't come easy for me (I know, unbelievable) The real dates I've been to can be counted by the fingers on one hand, and that includes prom. But even though I'm shy (I AM shy. Hello?) I have a proactive streak. So lately, I told myself to start taking dating matters into my own hands. How? By tackling the obvious problem of my dismal-at-best flirting skills. So I gather tips from here and there and try to practice them to see if they work/will work / will not work for me.

Almost unanimously, they tell me it's all about making eye contact. So apparently, all you have to do is try to catch the eye of a “papable” guy several times and hold the gaze for more or less five seconds, and then pronto! He approaches and you chat, then exchange numbers or email addresses. Sounds very easy. In fact, I can't figure out, for the life of me, why I haven't been doing something as natural as that. And according to the research I did on the subject, it is natural for people to gaze at the person they are attracted to, there's some sort of a universal acknowledgement of attraction. That is so strange, I never really thought of it that way. It's embarassing, I'm supposed to be somewhat an expert in non-verbal language.

So now that I am aware of those facts, it should be a piece of cake, as easy as a pie, as crumbly as a cookie (huh?), right? Right? So I went and experimented with it.

Almost right away, I recognized one big problem, I am myopic. It's easy for me to miss people when I'm walking. I once did not recognize my own father walking towards me on the street. So it's difficult for me to identify a cute guy from across the room. I might soon be making eye contact with the likes of Rene Requiestas without me realizing it.

Another thing, I am incredibly shy (I tell you, I really am). Once I realize someone looking my way, I turn away. Sometimes with a scowl. I dunno why I frown, but it's automatic. Maybe I find it very intrusive when strangers look at me in the eye. Or maybe I'm just so embarassed at being caught staring. Then I blush profusely announcing to the world how much of a dork I am.

Also, I don't have “sweet-looking eyes,” mine's the peircing intense kind. Added to the fact that I am shortsighted, I squint a lot making me look more "matapang."  So a coquettish stare I give might look “ano, square tayo?” to others. Nothing more off-putting than a girl maton, is there?

But then I don't give up that easily. I chose a “target” that's just a few meters away, forced myself to hold eye-contact for five seconds (yes, I was counting in my head, too) and remind myself not to frown, and keep my eyes “soft” as if smiling. It was one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life, but lo and behold, he smiled a bit. And then... the smile became smug as he audaciously tried to catch my eye some more. And I turned away not with a frown this time, but with one eyebrow making it's way up to my hairline.  I tried it several times more on other occasions, some without effect, and most with the same result as the above.

So my verdict? It will work with much more practice...but I don't think I'll try it again. It's too unnatural.  And most probably, those who will respond are the jerk types...or maybe I just suck at choosing targets (gee, i sound like a predator. lol).  Whatever it is, this tip isn't for me.

Mutual attraction, anything else is creepy

           I just realized that we don't necessarily feel kilig for every man who hits on us.  Sure it could be flattering, but even being flattered isn't a guaranty.

           I remember getting my first (omigosh) bouquet of flowers  The delivery man came into my cubicle and handed me the flowers, and my heart skipped two beats.  I then opened the envelope and read through the short but sweet message and then jumped to the bottom of the note, hoping to see my crush's name....and I shivered violently.  But not in a good way. Alas, it was from someone who I heavily suspect was gay and trying to use me as a gay beard...plus he definitely ain't my type, physically speaking. I hated the fact that everyone in the department saw the gorgeous flowers being delivered to me.  And also hated the fact that none of the first bouquet of flowers I received will be preserved between the pages of a book because I'll definitely throw them all once they wilted out.  I just couldn't make myself keep even a single petal...brrr.

        
            Sweet gestures are just sweeter when they come from someone who you like, otherwise it's irritating, or eww, or creepy.   The creepiness factor is also directly proportional to the grandeur of the gesture (think being harana-ed in front of your house with your parents inside with you by a guy who's really not your type, to say the least).  I'm just being real.  I'm pretty sure a lot of you will agree.

  
           So maybe an advice to guys trying to court girls, hold off for a while until she gives a hint of attraction before making the most romantic gestures in an attempt to sweep her off her feet...you might just be turning her stomach and making yourself the star of the next anecdote she'll share with her girlfriends.

I'm single, yes, but don't assume why

It's funny how people tend to assume a lot of things whenever they hear a person in his/her mid- twenties still single and never been attached. Here are some assumptions on why people are single that I wish to discuss and debunk.

You have shortcomings in the physical aspect:

I remember when I tried to engage the help of my friends to look for a date for me, many of the reponses of their so-called prospects go like “baka naman pangit yan ha(maybe she's ugly).” People tend to assume there is something wrong with how you look (or worse, smell) that's why you're having trouble getting a date. In their minds, a person blessed with gorgeousness as mine would never have problems getting a significant other right?  So definitely, there's something off with your face.  Excuuuussse me. 'Nuff said.

You are gay:

People think that if you're not ugly, then your being single should have something to do with your sexual preferences. I have nothing against gays or lesbos, but I never liked being assumed to be one. 1. It hurts my chances of finding a partner more as these kinds of intriga sometimes catches on, 2. It implies that I somehow am trying to trick people into believing I am what I am not, ie: stay in the closet and have a gay beard to cover it up more.  I am not that cowardly.  To finally settle the discussion, I am not gay. Although admittedly, my appreciation of the female beauty may have contributed to this assumption.  I'm pretty sure, this goes true with some singles out there.

You have high standards:

People who hear about my being single almost automatically assume it's because I have a high standards that have to be met. Funnily enough, they assume I want an intellectual badass for a partner. Errr...not necessarily. I just want someone who I can have a conversation with about anything and everything under the sun. Besides, I don't need an intelligent man to be my husband. Intelligence is usually inherited from the mother, and I have that  already covered ...ehem. Yes, I do have preferences like any other girl but only a few of them are non-bendable. My non-negotiables are the following: street-smart, kind-hearted, loving, respectful, God-loving, responsible, and has dreams. Of course, I should find him somewhat attactive and presentable, too. So tell, me, are these too much to ask?

You are not really looking:

I admit, I have once been absorbed with school work and later with my job. I am a recovered workaholic. I used to never have time for gong out, not even with family and friends. So maybe this assumption holds true before. But now, I even send out feelers to my friends, offering a dinner reward for a successful date referral, no kidding. And if you're reading this, you're welcome to join the referral program, too. Ask me for details. Hehe.

You are not willing to love and take risks:

Many singles have loved and have faced rejection.  So have I.  So I find it very unfair when people assume this.

Ever read an article about what things not to say to a single friend?  If you haven't, try reading.  If you have, then please do take heed and be more understanding. You'll of much more help if you try to widen your single friend's not- big- enough network. More often than not, and definitely true in my case, that's the the biggest problem keeping them single and unattached.

What is your honey to you?

My blog's been silent after only three meager posts (Which I'm happy to know have garnered 180+ views). I apologize for that. I've just been really busy and also sick this past week. Don't you worry your pretty little heads, I'm alright. Just feeling under the weather with my hyperactive mucus glands. I'm not the healthiest person in the world, you know, so this is a common occurrence.

I just remembered a comment somebody made when I was also sick some time ago: “kaya ka parating nagkakasakit kasi walang nag-aalaga sa'yo (you always get sick because nobody's taking care of you)” to which I promptly replied “bakit, ano ako, pet? (why, am I a pet?).” Apparently, according to my more knowledgable friends, mine was not the normal response to an obvious hint. I was like “oh, so that was a line? How...lame...”

Unfortunately, I'm like a guy whe it comes to hints. Subtle hints won't work and obvious hints will just confuse me. But unlike guys who seem to think every woman who happens to look their way has a burning desire for them, I do not assume things. I did once which led to disastrous results...an event which I am not inclined to share (and only mentioned because I love torturing people by withholding information).

But my being insensitive is not really the point I want to drive at with this post. With that comment someone made, it just came over me that boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses have different functions for different people.

With my usually accurate observation and deducing skills (ehem) I have classified people into the following types of partners according to use (yeah,we are I am we are utilitarian that way). They can be one, or a combination of the following. So you, what do you see your honeybunch as?

1. Caregiver: (see paragraph 2 for reference) People, usually women, who like to play mommy/daddy to their other half. They make sure you've eaten properly, gone home safely, and will remind you to do your chores. They also have a hero complex. Best for spoiled brats and mama's boys.
2. Worshiper: Best for powertrippers. People who choose them for partners are usually insecure or just addicted to praise. The worshiper vicariously lives off their partner's glory. On the extreme end of the spectrum are those who are involved in sado-masochist relationships.
3. Status symbol: They are chosen as partners by people who want to be “in” or approved by the community they want to take part of. Emotional connection not necessary. Just the background, face value, or even race are important. Trophy wives/husbands/gf's/bf's fall in this category.
4. Basic necessity: for the pragmatics. I've heard of some people marrying for practical purposes (shared expenses, or  because they can't raise a kid on their own, etc) Sometimes also treated as ATMs, cooks, secretaries, etc.
5. Mirror: I don't know about you, but when I want to feel good, I look in the mirror and my spirits are immediately uplifted. LOL. Narcisism aside, this partner is best for people with ruminative tendencies. They want to feel good about themselves so they choose a mirror, a partner very much like them even down to the rotten traits they have. This is why you see alcoholics and crack addicts pair off among themselves.
6. Crack: Speaking of crack addicts, this kind of partner is for people with addictive inclinations. They are partners to those who can't get enough of the idea of love and having a lover... who isn't necessarily good for them.  Bella and Eduard fall in this category.
7. Teddy bear: For people craving intimacy. No, not just physical, someone who you can share your deepest darkest secrets and fears with,  with no reservations because you know they wont react negatively. But that's because they don't react at all, but then again, acceptance is never an issue.
8. Buddy: Wanna go to the mall? Call sweetheart. Wanna go enlarge your beer gut? SMS honey. These partners don't necessarily ignite your feiry passions but they're comfortable to be around with like that holey cotton shirt you prefer wearing to bed. No fuss, low maintenance but shares a very deep bond with you and cares very much about your well-being. Most of the time also a Fertilizer (See below). This buddy usually attracts another buddy.
9. Fertilizer: They are chosen for their abilities to push you to be your best.

You can deny all you want and say that you choose your partner solely for the sake of love...riiiiigghttt. As for myself I would like to believe I want a buddy and fertilizer for a partner. I don't feel incomplete without one but I think it will be great to have one. Because I'm not looking for someone who'll complete me. I'm whole and I'll just need someone to complement my completeness...echos!

Do we deserve being in a good relationship?

At one/some/most point(s) in your being single, the feeling of self- entitlement must have permeated your entire being making you almost want to blurt out "why her?  I'm waaaay better-looking than her" to that odd cute guy- average girl couple you meet at the MRT.  Or have made you evaluate yourself in comparison to that friend notoriously leading on guys then dumping them like they're last day's trash (disclaimer: this isn't exactly the story of my life. You are not THAT friend) thinking you deserve being in a relationship more than the likes of her.  But since you aren't in one, you think to yourself that surely, you're collecting good karma points bringing your partner-to-be closer and closer aaannd making him/her the most perfect bf/gf in the planet for you.  But are you?  Maybe you're setting yourself for a major, major disappointment?

Is it really bad to feel entitled to be in a good relationship because you are "better" in terms of looks, brains, background,  and personality than those people around you?  People tell me all the time that I should get a "prime catch" boyfriend because I have the most lethal combination:  excessive doses of good looks, THE brains, humor and "exciting" personality ---ok, ok...it does not hurt to advertise now, does it? lol. I kid.  But it gets all the more confusing because apparently there are a lot of people with "prime catches" in tow who are every bit the opposite of me (read: not-so-good-looking, not-so-smart, not-so-nice, oh-so-bland)- I kid you not. 

I've read this book by Bo Sanchez called "How to Find Your One True Love."  Ok you can laugh all you want but the point is, it's a good book and I'm inclined to believe whatever the books says...and it says that one problem the single and looking (forever) people is the high sense of self-entitlement.  That people don't really look proactively for partners because they think their future loved ones will be served up to them in a platter.    Just because they're them.

Despite me trying to keep my self- entitlement in check, I don't think I'll ever "settle" for the following people who I honestly think are undeserving of their happily-ever-afters: 

Undeserving #1:  The incurable cheaters: "Collect and collect then select"- that's their motto.  Sadly most of them get stuck in the collecting process, never quite learning how to select.  Perhaps they confused it with "the more the merrier."

Undeserving #2:  The clingers.  Sapping your powers to the Nth power.  Whereas a relationship should be a place where you grow together, you find that your partner isn't exactly a growing tree like you, but a clinging and suffocating vine.

Undeserving #3: The firm believer that all is fair in love...so much so that he/she'll steal a friend's "love."  This person does not understand the First Dibs rule.

Undeserving# 4: The spineless.  The person who is a mollusk.  Taking "I can't live without you" to a whole new level.

Undeserving# 5: The ME person.  "It's not you, It's ME. It's never you, it's always ME."

  

I still believe we all deserve the best relationship.  That's the sense of entitlement that I refuse to relinquish.  Maybe we just need to learn what really is "best" for us.  What we think we need and what we need might not be the same.  Me?  I pray to God for discernment.  I know I may not look it, but I try to be spiritual.  It's what makes me un-ampalaya (bitter gourd for the Englishers out there. holla!).  I know "darating din yan with God's grace" because "naghahanap ako," and not merely because "God knows I deserve it."